yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
