Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
