if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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