Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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