yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
