i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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