He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
