He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
