he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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