when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize