return my video game
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
