WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
