Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
