I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
