I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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