I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
