did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
