I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
