Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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