So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
did i walk over a car last night?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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