lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Randomize
