if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
So. Much. Porn.
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