umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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