3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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