Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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