someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
