I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Floor bacon is actually really good
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
