i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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