Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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