there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
