Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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