i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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