My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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