If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Too much gin, very little bucket
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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