why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
