i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
