So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
