census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
