Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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