ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
