2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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