im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
