I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
