ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
