When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
