What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You work out of a Hotel?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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