seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
