brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize