So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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