so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
